Understanding the Pre-marital Relationship – Part 1

This is part 1 of a 15-part series from my yet to be published book, “Getting it Right – Building a Godly Foundation for a Godly Marriage”. This book provides an in-depth discussion on the subject of premarital relationships and how the young Christian should conduct himself or herself in this sacred path towards marriage. Getting it Right before taking a decision is always better than getting it right after the decision has been taken and have been faced with the implications for such wrong decisions. We can save ourselves from unwanted pain and the associated emotional scars and bitterness when we get things right at the decision-making process.

The marriage covenant is special because of what it symbolizes: Christ’s pure love and union with the Church. If your aim in a dating or courting relationship is to reflect Christ’s love and honour each other in the fear of God, then you must be ready to put God first and look to the Scriptures to renew your mind to separate yourself from the world’s view of dating or courting so as to pursue God’s will for your life and the relationship.

Looking to the Bible for guidance when it comes to romantic relationships is the best path towards a godly marriage where Christ is at the centre.

I define premarital relationship as the relationship between a man and a woman prior to marriage as they seek to know the mind of God concerning their intention to marry guided by some prescribed factors. Within society, premarital relationship becomes an important vehicle in our culture for giving young men and women the opportunity to get to know one another in a socially acceptable manner.

As Christians intending to enter into premarital relationship should see it as a decision-making platform where:

The Christian finds out if his or her potential marriage partner is also a committed believer in Christ.

Paul admonishes us,

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” in 1 Cor. 6:14 _NKJV

To explain the above scripture, a yoke is a wooden bar that joins two oxen to each other and to the burden they pull. An “unequally yoked” team has one stronger ox and one weaker, or one taller and one shorter. The weaker or shorter ox would walk more slowly than the taller, stronger one, causing the load to go around in circles. When oxen are unequally yoked, they cannot perform the task set before them. Instead of working together, they are at odds with one another.

Binding ourselves to an unbeliever in a romantic relationship could compromise our obedience to the Lord. If both individuals are believers and have a desire to honour the Lord both their life and that of the relationship itself, we are sure of God’s enabling grace to strengthen and equip them for that purpose which will eventually lead to a healthy foundation for the marriage ahead. It is true that if a would-be couple puts God first in their relationship before marriage, they will be set up to continue to put Him first in the marriage.

Instead of searching for the physical or emotional attraction (how this person makes me feel) as our deciding factors of compatibility with someone we want to be in relationship with as taught by the world, Christians should desire to discover whether the person in question is also a born-again believer in Jesus Christ with the desire to be conformed into His image and obey His Word.

Unbelievers tend to have different worldviews than those of believers.  These include their views on sin – premarital sex, morals, values, etc.  Though it is not a sin to marry an unbeliever, it would, however, be unhealthy to the marriage in the long run and the faith of the believer.

How then do we respond to 1 Corinthians 7:14?

“For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”

Our understanding of this Scripture should stem from the fact that the unbelieving spouse being made holy does not necessarily mean that he enjoys salvation vicariously through the believing partner, but rather the proximity to the partner’s Christ-centered living creates opportunities for godly influence. However, the question you should ask yourself is, to what extent can I endure until my unbelieving partner is influenced godly?  So then, what should one do if he or she is married to an unbeliever? The answer lies in prayer and modelling Christian behaviour with the hope that things will change. God is able to work on the heart of the unbeliever using the actions and intercessions of the believer.

Having said that, you also have to have in mind that you must first of all be a committed believer yourself. The focus should not only be on the other party in mind but on you as well. How committed are you in Christ? I shall be touching more on this when we get to the rules of engagement in premarital relationships.

Watch out for part 2 for the continuation of this series.