For every societal engagement, there are some underlying rules. In this article, I seek to outline some six basic rules that one may have to look at when engaging the subject of premarital relationship. Though segments of this article have been posted before, this is a culmination of all those segments featuring it as a Valentine Day edition.
The First Rule – Love the Lord, your God
The first rule in premarital relationships is what Jesus referred to us as the greatest of all the commandments: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (Mk 12:30). For one to consistently offer genuine love to someone else, that person must love God first. And no one will truly love you if they do not love God more than they love you.
I have always taught that you are not ready for a premarital relationship as a Christian if you are not first well-grounded in your relationship with God. This is because it is your spirituality that anchors the relationship in a manner that will keep it veering off into the world. And again, we cannot give what we don’t have. The Bible talks about the Holy Spirit filling our hearts with the love of God (Rom. 5:5). This presupposes that the more one is rooted in God, the more of the love of God in him or her, and the more he or she can offer this love to others. Our love for others springs from our love for God. In effect, we offer what we have and not what we lack.
This is the reason why one of the critical issues to consider in a premarital relationship as stated earlier is to seek to find whether the other party is a committed believer in Christ.
Persons who love the Lord have their heart captured by the Lord to the extent that they love what the Lord loves and hates what He hates. The truth is that, if your heart is not committed to God, you can easily be distracted by the things of this world, and your choices in the premarital relationship will not bring glory to God, and such will in turn harm the foundation of your intended marriage. Remember, the process determines the quality of the product.
In his book, Waiting and Dating, Myles Monroe takes this understanding to a whole new level. He states that “one of the prerequisites for dating readiness, for that matter premarital relationship, is a good understanding of God’s standard for relationships.” He says, “You need to learn to work out a clear set of guidelines for behaviour based on God’s word, or you are not ready to date.” You see, it takes one who loves God to do this. A lot of times, some young men go into a premarital relationship just to sexually exploit young ladies, fueled by their lustful passion which is misconstrued as love. True love does not exploit others. If you are a young man, one way you can know that what you are experiencing is not genuine love is when you seem to be interested in any lady you meet. Such people end up proposing to any lady they come across whenever the opportunity to do comes up. To genuinely love others, you must love God first for the motivation to genuinely love is divine.
Second Rule – Open up for Godly Counsel
When you are in a premarital relationship or you intend to enter into one, you must be opened to people you look up to – your parents, mentors or church leaders. In our first rule, we indicated that if you are not connected to the Lord by way of your love for Him, you do not have a chance of getting a truly healthy Christian relationship with someone else. But on another dimension, even if you are a committed Christian, there are still many more ways to subtly fall into sin. The key will be to lean on other Christians or persons of authority that you look up to and can tell you when you are making a mistake or wandering away from God’s will for your life.
This is to say that avoid keeping secret relationships. I have been teaching young people who want to enter into a premarital relationship that, you are simply not ready to enter into a relationship if you are not ready to share such with your parents or your mentors. Why will you want to keep your “love” life from those who care about you? It is either the relationship is unhealthy (sexually exploitive) or you are simply not at the ideal stage of your life to take such a step.
In my counselling of young people, I have come across countless teens who are in sexually exploitive relationships and when you probe further, you come to realize that no person of authority knows about it.
It is always good to open up your intention to your parents, your church leaders, friends who share a common Christ-centered interest with you to guide you in this critical decision-making process to become a victor and not a victim – because it can be a very slippery road to travel on. Therefore, fight the impulse to pursue a relationship in a corner by yourself, and instead draw others into this important relationship. Such people step in when you are losing focus and spending too much time with your intended partner and begin to neglect other important areas of your life. They raise red flags when a relationship seems to be travelling on an unhealthy pathway. They will ask questions to protect you to keep you in sexual purity. They will continually remind you not to put your hope in any relationship, to pursue patience and purity, and to communicate and lead well.
Third Rule – Do not pursue the relationship at the expense of your relationship with God
It is sad to note that many young people are ready to sacrifice their relationship with God for relationships with other fellow human beings. They tend to believe that all that it is in life is to marry and that they are ready to do anything, for, in their minds, the end always justifies the means. This is a lie from the pit of hell. Many at times, persons who end up pushing God out of their love life had always wished they had factored Him in the whole process.
Young man, young woman, don’t learn it the hard way. Nothing is worth more than your relationship with God. Nothing, I mean nothing. For our young ladies who think marriage is a favour and for that matter will do just anything to secure it, please it is not. Once you present yourself as a sex object to secure marriage, remember your value does not change afterwards.
The fourth rule – Accountability
This is strongly linked to the second rule. To be accountable is to be authentically, deeply, consistently known by someone who cares enough to keep us from making mistakes or indulging in sin.
Only people who love Christ more than they love you will have the courage to tell you that you are wrong in dating – wrong about a person, wrong about timing, wrong about whatever. Only they will be willing to say something hard, even when you are so happily infatuated. Most people will float along with you because they are excited for you, but you need a lot more than excitement right now – you have plenty of that yourself. You desperately need truth, wisdom, correction, and perspective.
We all need courageous, persistent, and hopeful friends and counsellors in the dangerous and murky waters of premarital relationships. Lean hard on the people who know you best, love you most and will tell you when you are wrong.
Fifth Rule – Avoid Long Term Relationships
Since premarital relationships can be dangerous and murky, engaging in a very long-term relationship can be very tempting and devastating especially when the would-be couple has not subjected themselves to the four rules of engagement explained above.
This is also to say that you must enter into a relationship not because you want to, or your parents want you to, but because you are ready for marriage and spiritually and emotionally sound for it. A premarital relationship is not for fun as it is portrayed in the media. Young students don’t be pressured into a relationship on campus when you know it is not time to consider marriage. It is not ordained anywhere that you must be in a relationship before completing your university or college. Research has shown that over 80 per cent of campus or college relationships end when college is over, not to even talk about High School relationships.
As indicated earlier, you are not yet ready if you do not have the boldness yet to discuss your intention with your parents and those who genuinely care about you. Apart from the tendency of being exploitive, one other disadvantage associated with a long-term relationship is that it can be more hurtful and devastating when there is a break-up, resulting in many years of a wasted life.
Many counsellors believe that a minimum of six months and a maximum of two years is the ideal for a relationship to end up in marriage or otherwise.
Sixth Rule – Appreciate your Completeness in Christ
You will never be complete until you really understand that you are complete in Jesus. Colossians 2:9-10 says, “For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him, you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority”. When an unmarried individual enters marriage without the understanding that he or she is complete in Christ, he or she will be disillusioned and dissatisfied.
Incompleteness is not the result of being single, but of not being full of Jesus. When two incomplete singles get married, their union will not make them complete. Their marriage will be simply two incomplete people trying to find completeness in one another. It is only when they understand that their fullness is found in a relationship with Jesus then will they learn to complement one another. They can never complete one another. We have not been created to complete one another but to complement.
Are you feeling full yet? If not, ask the Lord right now to begin this process of revealing to your heart the reality of your fulness in Him.
1 Comment
Great insight