Understanding the Premarital Relationship – Part 2

This is part 2 of a 15-part series from my yet to be published book, “Getting it Right – Building a Godly Foundation for a Godly Marriage”. This book provides an in-depth discussion on the subject of premarital relationships and how the young Christian should conduct himself or herself in this sacred path towards marriage. Getting it Right before taking a decision is always better than getting it right after the decision has been taken and have been faced with the implications for such wrong decisions. We can save ourselves from unwanted pain and the associated emotional scars, bitterness resulting from heartbreaks, compromising on our dignities etc. when we get things right at the decision-making process.

In Part 1 we looked at what Pre-marital relationship is and what it seeks to achieve. I indicated that the premarital relationship is a decision-making platform. In part one, we said it serves as a platform where the Christian finds out if his or her potential marriage partner is also a committed believer in Christ. In this series, we shall look at the two other objectives premarital relationship seeks to achieve.

It is also the platform where one ascertains whether the potential partner’s character is manageable.

Are you comfortable with the character of the person you are considering for marriage? Is the character something you can manage if he or she does not change? Are you ready to cope with his or her abusive nature? Are you ready to cope with his or her nagging attitude? Will you be ok if he or she continues to flirt with others after the marriage? Will you able to perpetually contain his or her tantrums, extreme control, lack of respect etc?  In taking a marital decision, it is important you avoid placing your hope on a possible future change of behaviour. What is the possibility that the behaviour in question will ever change? And if such behaviour persists, what will be the future of the marriage? Marriage should be seen as a life-long union and every decision one intends to take must be carefully taken to ensure the sustainability of the marriage.

Somebody has said, the things that lead to marital divorce many at times existed before the marriage. But then they say love is blind. No, true love is never blind, because love in the human realm will always need the right conditions to grow. Many people have had their hopes dashed and have been disappointed in their choice of their spouse all because they thought a certain behaviour will change after the marriage but rather, the behaviour persisted and even grew worse and worse by day.

In his book, waiting and dating, Myles Monroe of blessed memory had indicated that “the way people behave while dating usually reveals how they will behave when married”. He adds that “habits and attitudes established during dating years generally carry over into marriage”.

This factor becomes even more critical when marriage is viewed within the understanding of it being a magnifier. That is, it tends to magnify anything that was brought into the marital union including all the baggage. This is from the premise that sometimes (if not all cases) people tend to suppress (and do not work) on their weaknesses during the premarital stage with the hope that that can secure their chance of marriage; and once that is done, they tend to loosen their suppressive efforts.

So it is therefore important to as much as possible use the premarital stage especially before proposing or accepting a proposal to ascertain the behaviour of the fellow partner you are considering. And this must be done with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. This leads to the third critical issue – the leadings of the Spirit.

A platform to genuinely seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit on the step you want to take?

Premarital relationship also serves as the platform to also pray and seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit on the decision you are pondering in your heart? Which is to say that in its truest sense, we don’t propose before we embark on a premarital relationship. Probably this where the understanding of dating comes in here. The scripture says in Ps. 37:23, “The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.”_NLT From this Scripture we come to the conclusion that God is interested in every detail of our lives. So while you watch out for things about the prospective partner that you are either comfortable or uncomfortable with, you must actively be seeking the face of God through prayer to know the mind of God. This is what the cliché, “watch and pray” seeks to convey. Unfortunately, young people of today will want to propose to a lady even before they pray to seek the will of God. Same is true about young ladies who end up accepting proposals even before they seek the face of God. What we mostly request of God is to rubber-stamp on our choices, and such can be very disastrous.

In fact, the proposal comes in after you are very sure that this is the person God is leading you to, having sought counsel from trusted friends, mentors and church leaders. From my personal perspective, I consider the end of the dating stage in premarital relationship the very moment intension of marriage is mutually made. The next stage is what I will refer to us courtship or what is called in some circles, engagement. From this point, all stakeholders especially the parents and mentors would have given the would-be couple some form of affirmation to their intention to get married.